Tuesday, 8 January 2019 / London, UK

10 Tell-Tale Signs That He's A Fuckboy


Fuckboys are not always easy to spot, thanks to their genius ability to disguise themselves as Mr Nice Guy and blend in with the few genuine men that are left out there in the sinister world of dating. Any girl that's ever had the privilege (polite way of putting it) of being single and dabbling in the world of online dating would have no doubt encountered said fuckboy at least once in their dating life, as these days the modern fuckboy is more common than Kerry Katona.
After many (many) years of dating/'seeing' fuckboys, I've been on many an emotional rollercoaster and got the fuckboy T-shirt (and sweater), so I'm here to help teach you how to detect fuckboyism in 2019 before the fuckboy damage is done and you end up doing the one thing that you should never ever do...fall for him...



1. HE'S THE KING OF SMALL TALK AND DOESN'T LISTEN. EVER. 

"What do you do for work again babe?" "Remind me where you live again babe, I forgot." Basically code for: "I'm talking to so many girls right now, I can't remember which one you are. Are you the PR girl who lives in Clapham or the PA from Archway? Who knows and who cares right, because this fuckboy has got so many Whatsapp chats open his iPhone has run out of memory. While you're stressing about why he's blue ticked you,  he's sat scratching his head wondering if you're Sarah from Bumble or Tinder. Hmm or was it Hinge? 


2. HE ADDS YOU ON SNAPCHAT 0.2 SECONDS AFTER YOU (INTERNET) MEET

He's just asked for your number, which means you've been upgraded from random Tinder hoe to potential first dater, so what's the first thing he does apart from sending you a cute opening Whatsapp message that goes something along the lines of "look who it is ;)"? He adds you on Snapchat of course. Duh. Who else is he gonna send unwanted (and unrequested) strategically shot creepy 'here's the outline of my dick' Calvin Klein snaps to at 00:12? 


3. HE TAKES 28 HOURS TO REPLY, BUT IS ALWAYS 'ONLINE' ON WHATSAPP

Hmm convenient that, isn't it? No matter what time you do a quick Whatsapp chat stalk (don't lie, we've all done it) you can bet your bottom dollar that 'online' will be sat smugly below his name leaving you to pull your hair out as to why the fuck he hasn't replied to your whatsapps from 8 hours ago when he's been online for about 8 hours straight now. Me annoyed? Never. 


4.  SOMEHOW HAS THE ABILITY TO TURN ANY CONVERSATION INTO A DIRTY ONE
His go-to conversation usually goes something along the lines of: "what you up to babe?" "just about to have a shower, you?" "oooh what, without me? can I get in with you hehe". I've got 5 words and 5 words only...PUT.HIM.IN.THE.BIN. Fuckboys have the (not so) hidden ability to turn any non-sexual conversation sexual in about 0.2 seconds and we're just not about that life sorry. Sometimes we do just genuinely wanna discuss our fave Louis Theroux documentary without being asked what our favourite sex position is. I mean really, how can you go from Theroux to reverse cowgirl? That's quite some talent...  



5. HE CONSTANTLY BANGS ON ABOUT HOW HE'S A 'NICE GUY' & 'NOT LIKE OTHER GUYS' 

He somehow feels the need to declare that he's a nice guy and not like other guys every 20 minutes or so, which usually means that he most definitely is not a nice guy and most definitely is like all the other said guys he's trying so desperately hard to pretend he's not. Guys that constantly feel the need to declare how different they are and how they've been raised a gent 9 times out of 10 turn out to be the worst fuck boys of them all, so if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is too good to be true. Mr Nice Guy is 99.9% probably not Mr Nice Guy. Period.


6. HE NEVER CALLS YOU. STRICTLY WHATSAPP.

He seems to have a fear of talking on the phone and will conveniently pie your call but appear online on Whatsapp approximately 2 seconds after said pie. Now I'm not one to judge, because I've been avoiding the house phone like the plague since about 2008 and will quite frankly do anything in my power to avoid answering it unless I absolutely have to, but I'm still a big believer in an old-fashioned phone call when you're in the process of getting to know someone, because there's only so much getting to know someone you can do with shitty Whatsapp small talk. Something tells me he's not looking for a soulmate sister...


7. HE CONSTANTLY CHECKS HIS PHONE WHEN YOU'RE TOGETHER.

He somehow can't seem to go longer than 12 minutes without checking his phone when you're together. Whether you're out for drinks, kicking his ass at crazy golf or out for dinner, his phone is always strategically placed face down on the table. Coincidence right? I think not. This guy is speaking to so many people he can't even be arsed to keep it a secret. Nobody wants to be second best and if your company isn't enough to keep him present, then put him in the bin along with his shady, shitty iPhone.


8. HE PUTS IN VERY LITTLE EFFORT.

He's forever saying things like "we should meet up", "let me know when you're free" but never actually makes a plan and miraculously disappears the second you actually suggest a date and time, only to pop up again 2 weeks down the line with the same "let me know when you're free" bullshit. Flaky is his second name and fuckboy is his first. Life is too short to spend weeks waiting around for Mr Flaky to sort his shit out and actually show some maturity and commit to a date and time. I've said it before and I'll say it again...PUT.HIM.IN.THE.BIN. 


9. HE AVOIDS THE 'WHAT ARE WE?' CONVERSATION LIKE THE PLAGUE.

So you've been seeing each other for 5 months now with no mention or sign of the dreaded 'what are we?' chat. You're feeling confident after abusing the Slug & Lettuce Happy Hour for one too many hours and decide to broach the subject. You ask him if he's seeing anyone else and he shuts you down quicker than you can say 'fuckboy', giving you an evasive dismissive response of "you don't have to worry about that babe, I'm gonna go get us another wine!" Fab, that doesn't exactly tell you if he's still shagging his flatmate now does it? (You're gonna need that glass of wine!) 


10. HE HAS NO AMBITION AND 'LIVES FOR THE WEEKEND'

He hates his job and spend 50% of his weekend out having 'some cheeky bevs with the lads' and the other 50% of it in a hungover sloth state in bed swiping right and asking girls to 'come and give him a massage' because his legs hurt from football. *Rolls eyes* Now I'm not impartial to a lazy Sunday or two, but let's be real girls, there's nothing attractive about a guy spunking all his wages on jagerbombs in spoons every weekend and then living off Mummy and Daddy's cooked dinners for the week whilst begging you to come over for a 'spoon'. Bore off Mr Jager, we're not 18 anymore and something tells me this guy is not marriage material.


Now you've read the ten tell-tale signs of how to tell if he's a fuckboy or not, it's time to play 'Fuckboy Bingo'. If 3 or more of the above apply to the guy you're currently dating, then it's time to say ciao adios and throw that fuckboy into the fuckboy black hole, because ain't nobody got time for dating a fuckboy...2019 may be a lot of things, but it is definitely not the year of the fuckboy. Ok I'm done. *Drops mic*
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